4.14.

Every gulp was like an hourglass overturned, time ticking away. Not sip, but gulp, seeing as the lump in my throat was growing and felt more and more painful every second. My septum was stinging and my eyes felt heavy, sinking into my skull. The only thing I could hear was the sound of the liquid going down my throat. When I tried to talk, my eyes wouldn't stay in one place; trying to memorize every inch of the room. Like I would forget anyway. People try to give me advice, but I'm not sure they understand when it comes down to it. If anyone was watching, I'm sure they were laughing at how awkward I looked, walking with my eyes glued ahead in the dark, picking up my feet in short strides.

Hard to believe. I've been wondering where to go ever since I heard you shut the door. When you woke up the next morning I think you decided to stop loving me.

oh?

too bad they left out the 'r'.

R.I.P.

i know I have focused on the past in these last few posts, but I'd like to note that these were the best years of my life. Nothing will ever top this.

drunk as fuck at waffle house, two deers, hawt too, kaneadea, chicken legs, gay peas, mapplesaauce, leopard pant, strawberry milkshake fights in the culdisac with plastic baseball bats, race/rest in peace, nascar, tara's trailer, guitar hero wars, ninja noodles, garage parties, von howard, helloo clareeacee/hot pockets, raise your hand if you see the toaster!, late night porn, one eye is crying, disco balls & trees talking shit, "i call the pitchfork", visitor center, stacking, cake all over maddie's car, mcdonalds runs, switching clothes, porn turned up with the windows down on the way to Folly, "true or false-who the fuck do you think you are?", cornhole eater, this. is. west. ashley., castle pong, heidtman's party, a bird a squawk, moon's too bright, cow & chicken's on, the corn & the congress magnet, two head, dance offs, nunan, tater twat, golf cart on iop, chin up, ravenel lights, tourette's guy, prostitute on a bike, no electricity & playing circle of death by candlelight, sires street, the crew.

neva forget.

i love you.

a few months ago,

 I was lookin' pretty rough, in my jeans I had been wearing for days that were no longer tight, a jacket I had borrowed from my friend, and dark circles under my eyes. It was raining, of course, and I had the worst headache. The wind was messing up my already-unbrushed hair and my eyeliner was running down my face. I didn't have to look in a mirror to know that. No one was by my side, walking on an empty street downtown at sundown. I had just gone through what I imagined was hell. I never thought I would lose, in a way, someone so entirely close to me. As I was passing by a corner store, a black man holding a King Cobra in one hand and a cigarette in the other, looking pretty rough himself, grabbed my shoulder and said "Believe me, beautiful. You can't miss somethin you never had in the first place." I brushed it off a little, thinking he was just drunk, but he wasn't slurring his words or stumbling. Then I laughed and realized that I had been losing parts of you from the time I met you. Do you even know who you are anymore?

suga.

Tonight was the best night I've had in awhile, thanks to Margaret Madalyn McElveen and her willingness to listen to my rants, always, watch stupid youtube videos with me, and wait in the kitchen for way too long while I tried to figure out how to use an oven and learned that wax melts into cookies if you put candles in them. She is probably one of the most amazin' people I know.

roots.

  When I was young I was very sheltered. I grew up on a plantation in the middle of nowhere, went to a small private school, wasn't allowed to eat chocolate or Fruity Pebbles, or watch Rugrats. That was always a big deal to me. My parents raised me the best they could and I love them, it's just that I didn't get to experience 'regular' things. 
  When I moved at the end of middle school I kept that persona. I didn't have time to look before I jumped. It hit me, or rather I hit it, going a hundred miles an hour, and all of the sudden I was way over my head.  Not necessarily in a bad way, I just had no idea how to handle what was ahead of me. The city and all of the people in it, it was all a new language to me. I handled most situations very badly.   Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for myself. I was just always the kid that looked down on drinking and experiencing new things, was afraid of having a boyfriend, never wanted tattoos.     
  I don't regret what I have done in the past because I learned from every second of it. If you didn't know me back then, I was a wreck. I am sorry for hurting people along the way though.